The question I am asked most often is: I think he/she is getting ready to leave me. What do I do? There isn’t an easy answer for this or there wouldn’t be any break ups. Every situation is different and sometimes breakups are inevitable. However this is not always the case and there are things you can do before you reach the breaking point that will help.

Here are the 10 most important things:

1. Communicate. Communication is
   important. If you find that when you try to communicate your feelings to your
   partner it always leads to an argument, try writing your feelings down. Read
   through what you’ve written. If you find things that are just petty problems
   with no real validity, eliminate them. Try to find the sources behind your
   words. For example, jealousy, are you jealous because you know he/she is
   cheating, or does it go deeper? Did someone cheat on you in the past and now you
   don’t trust anyone? Is your partner giving you what you need to feel secure?
   Once you realize where the feelings are coming from, you can address fixing the
   problem.
2. Resist making accusations.
   Approach your partner calmly, without being defensive. Tell him/her the problem.
   Don’t be accusing or they will become defensive and yes, you will end up in an
   argument. If you find it’s easier to write it in a letter, then do so. Leave
   while they read it so you aren’t hovering over them, waiting for their reaction.
   Let them process what you have said. Again, do not be accusing. Tell them you
   want to make your relationship better. Have suggestions for BOTH of you, not
   just them. Be sure you know the core problem and aren’t just mentioning a
   symptom.
3. Refrain from insulting your
   partner during arguments. Fighting dirty can quickly become a habit and
   eventually someone will say something that the other person cannot forget, or
   worse, forgive.
4. Take time to tell your partner why
   you love him/her. Not once, but often. This can be something as small as a
   compliment on how they look. Your partner needs to know you appreciate them.
   Don’t just assume they know. Everyone likes to be reminded they are loved.
5. Be supportive and look for ways to
   give your partner the things they need the most. Even if they don’t tell you
   what they need, you can figure it out if you pay attention. Some people have a
   hard time telling you what they need but there are clues. If you’re not sure,
   ask.
6. Don’t neglect yourself. If
   your needs aren’t being met, find a way to let your partner know. If you are
   unhappy, you will eventually blame your partner. It’s much easier to let them
   know, in a positive way, the things you need.
7. Never try to solve a problem when
   you are angry. Take time to cool down. I know this can seem impossible at
   times but think about it. Is anything ever really solved when you are yelling at
   each other?
8. Set aside some time for just the
   two of you. If not once a week, then at least once a month. This should be
   quality, alone time, however you two choose to spend it. You might try arranging
   a specific day each week and take turns planning what you will do.
9. Discuss decisions that affect the
   both of you and try to find a solution that will keep you both happy. Never
   make an important decision that affects you both without talking to your
   partner.
10. Don’t Lie! Everyone lies
    occasionally. It’s in our nature. This isn’t an excuse to lie to your partner.
    Every time you are caught in a lie, a little more trust is taken away. A healthy
    relationship requires trust. Never ever lie about things important to the
    relationship. You’re better off facing the music if you’ve done something wrong
    then being caught in a lie.
11. This won’t keep you together but it
    is important to mention. Know when it’s time to leave and make the break.
    Don’t let anyone use you or abuse you. Most problems can be worked out if both
    people in the relationship make an effort to improve things. There are some
    exceptions. It’s time to leave if the relationship becomes abusive. Do not hope
    things will get better because he/she says they will change. Leave! If at some
    future time they actually do change, you can consider getting back together
    then. Another deal breaker is infidelity. If your partner cheats on you, there
    is a good chance that even if you do stay together, the trust that keeps a
    relationship alive will be gone. I’m not saying you can’t survive it, but it
    will take a great deal of effort from both people and your partner will have to
    stop. Never give them more than one chance to do so or you will be setting
    yourself up for a very destructive emotional roller coaster. If your partner
    sees that it’s possible to cheat and you will keep forgiving, why would they
    change?

©2005 Patricia Fason

Break ups are never easy. You are a bundle of jealous, hurt, angry, resentful emotions. Your mood can swing from depression to bitter anger. The only thing you seem to think about is what went wrong, can I get him/her back or I’ll show him/her. The main theme in your life is ‘How can I feel better right NOW?’ Here are some suggestions that I hope will help.

1. Friends and Family. I know this may seem obvious but lean on your friends
   and family. Spend time doing things together, not just talking and thinking
   about the break up. If this isn’t enough, you may consider a support group or
   counseling.
2. Resist the urge to beg. You want them back but not at any price. At the
   time it may seem the right thing to do but think about it. In the long run they
   will lose respect for you. This doesn’t mean don’t try to work things out. If
   there is a chance you can work things out, go for it. However, if your partner
   has made it clear that in their eyes, the relationship is over, begging will not
   help and may hurt the situation.
3. Make a change in your life. Find a new way to spend your time. Take a
   class, join a gym, adopt a pet, or volunteer. Do anything that will make you
   feel good about yourself. Your ego is probably feeling bruised right now. Find a
   way to counteract that.
4. Understand your mistakes but also realize that you are not a failure.
   Don’t beat yourself up. If you made mistakes, then yes, learn from them but
   dwelling on what might have been won’t help. It takes two to make a
   relationship, it also takes two to end one. You weren’t the only one who made
   mistakes. It may not seem useful to you now, but a lot of times the things you
   learned from this experience will make your next relationship stronger, as long
   as you make the necessary changes.
5. Start Dating. You won’t feel like it at first, but don’t stay away from
   other people for an extended period of time. Going out with other people can
   help the healing process and boast your ego.
6. Don’t fall prey to others. There will be people trying to sell you this
   or that, guaranteed to win back your partner. Don’t let people take advantage of
   you while you are vulnerable. If you do buy something, understand that while
   there is a chance it could help, there is also a chance that it won’t.
7. Take up a hobby. Learn something new. There is probably something you’ve
   always wanted to try but never had the time. You have the time, do it.
8. Don’t rush into another relationship. While starting to date can help you
   feel better, it’s not a good idea to rush right into another relationship. Take
   time to heal before making any commitments or someone will probably end up
   getting hurt.
9. Avoid dwelling on it. I know it’s impossible not to think about it, but,
   if you find yourself doing so for an extended period of time, find a way to take
   your mind off of it. Call a friend; go to the gym, whatever comes to mind. If
   nothing seems to work, try this: Make a list of reasons why you are better off
   now. This could include I have time to do the things I want to do. I can date
   anyone I want to. I can find a partner who will appreciate me the way I am and
   stop wasting time on a doomed relationship. Think about the things they did that
   drove you crazy, because there are some. Don’t look back with rose colored
   glasses and only remember the good things. Don’t have the idea in your head that
   if only we were back together I would be happy. Wrong. Wouldn’t they have a lot
   to answer for if you did get back together? Leaving you was probably the biggest
   mistake they will ever make. Let them dwell on it, you move on!
10. Build your ego. I’ve touched on this already but it is very important.
    Find ways to feel better about yourself. This could be anything from getting a
    haircut to buying some new clothes. You could take a class on self improvement.
    If nothing else, you should do this: Make a list of things that make you a great
    person. Don’t sit there and tell me you can’t think of anything. I don’t buy it.
    Try again. Are you kind? Patient? Intelligent? Cook like a pro? Can fix
    anything? There are things that make you great. WRITE them down and whenever you
    feel low, read your list and add to it. You are you and you are great so don’t
    let anyone ever make you feel that you aren’t.

©2005 Patricia Fason

If you have been divorced, you know it hurts – especially if your marriage had lasted many years. Whatever the circumstances of your relationship, and whatever the nature of its ending, there is always grief and regret – perhaps regret over the ending or perhaps regret over not ending the relationship sooner – or perhaps both. How to move past the grief and regret? No matter how painful, divorce, like all endings, opens the door to new beginnings. Let’s examine several.

1. Get support: Don’t be embarrassed to ask friends for support. Join a divorce support group. Join a more general women’s or men’s group like ManKind Project and share your story.

2. Reconsider your obligations: In reality, you have NO obligations. There is nothing you ever have to do, because everything you do or don’t do is always a choice. Be especially clear that you don’t owe anyone an explanation or justification for any of your actions – ever.

3. Simplify your life: There is nothing that you really NEED to have. Material possessions seldom bring joy. Consider eliminating whatever you haven’t used in a year, and minimizing new purchases – not based on economy, but on your choice for leading a simple unencumbered life.

4. Try something new: What have you been wanting to do, but couldn’t find the time or commitment to begin? Perhaps yoga, stretching, walking, a new spiritual class, a book discussion group, ballroom dancing.

5. Learn and explore: You are never too old for learning and discovery. Open your mind. Study something you always wanted to know about but that didn’t seem necessary or practical – other cultures and times, comparative religion, whatever calls you.

6. Volunteer: Nothing works better for relieving self-pity than helping others who are worse off. Fill the time you would have spent feeling sorry for yourself by giving something of yourself to others.

7. Get away: If you can possibly afford it, take a trip with a group of compatible people – perhaps a spiritual journey. Also, ask what is tying you to the community where you currently reside. Now is a time to consider the question of where, and how, you really want to live. Believe in yourself. You have free will. You, and only you, are responsible for your life.

For many people a break-up is like a small death. You go through a mourning period and the only thing you feel like doing is lay in bed and not get up. But, there is a fundamental difference between a separation from a romantic relationship and death: the separation is reversible.

In this article you are going to discover 5 ways you can use to reverse any breakup and get your ex back:

1. Reflect on the causes of your breakup: the first thing you need to do is to figure out how things went wrong. What were your mistakes? Were you too clingy or controlling? Were you too cold or uncaring? Make a vow to yourself that you will never repeat the same mistakes when you reconcile with your ex.
2. Don’t try to make your ex jealous: this is a very common advice, but keep in mind that it could easily backfire. He/she might think you have moved on with your life and decide to follow your example and find a new love.
3. Remember the beginning of your relationship: this person fell in love with you for a reason. You probably possessed traits that they found desirable. Did you change during the relationship? Maybe you were a confident and exciting person, who became dull and insecure over time. Become again the charming person, they fell in love with in the first place.
4. Forgive yourself and your ex partner: you need to forgive and forget both your mistakes and your partner’s. Guilt and bitterness are very unattractive traits. Forget the past and move on.
5. Be persistent and never give up: many people will advice you to never call your ex and play it cool and aloof. This technique is rather dangerous, because he/she might decide to find someone new. You need to stay in touch. This doesn’t mean, that you should start begging, crying or calling them 50 times a day. Just call them from time to time and be friendly. Sooner or later the opportunity for reconciliation will present itself.

Do you know that there are amazingly powerful methods you can use to win back your lost love?